It's not something that comes naturally.
I always feel the need to say sorry when I do something that's characteristically me. Having mood swings, being goofy, knowing too much about something that's not common knowledge.
Sorry, but that's who I am.
There I go again *audibly sighs*
I recently wrote an apology letter to my partner explaining what I feel like I need to stop doing but also how it feels like it's impossible to do. That I keep manifesting the "crazy girl" when I want to be the "cool girl."
He told me to stop apologizing.
In a way, I relate to Elsa (yes, the one from Frozen and Frozen II). I feel like I need to bottle up my eccentricities and then I explode when I can't keep it under control.
And then I have to say sorry, again, for the damage I caused by being myself.
So, like Elsa, I feel like the only thing that can help is to make myself disappear. No, you don't need to worry, I am not suicidal. I'm just saying in those moments I feel like people I love would be better off without me.
What it takes is an Anna, someone who loves you unconditionally and believes in you, to realize that you're not doing things right. By restricting your expression of who you are, you're creating a trip wire for unsuspecting victims to face the wrath of your locked-up emotions.
I think I've found this in my current partner. I'm just wary of letting my guard down because I don't trust myself.
- - - - - - -
I've always been the weird kid. I loved school. I wrote constantly. I disappeared into the background, fawning over some boy who didn't know I existed and hating myself for being so confused over everything.
I remember being bullied for not brushing my hair. To be fair, I didn't, but I also had long curly hair that was painful to brush.
I wanted to disappear again, so I brushed my hair and the bullies forgot about me.
The problem is, invisible people don't really have friends, either. No bullies, but no friends.
The friends I did have, have all but disappeared from my life. I am the one who reaches out first. I am the one who wants to know about their life. I am the one who wants to share and get advice.
They seem to have it all figured out.
They don't need me, nor does it seem they really want me.
And that's fine, I guess, because I am glad they are living their lives the way they want to and being happy.
But it also leaves me feeling like that invisible child again.
My partner sees me. He cares. He uplifts and supports me. He doesn't care that my mood swings like a pendulum. He doesn't think I'm strange for wanting to write for a living.
He's the Anna to my Elsa.
- - - - - - -
I don't have things figured out. I've been this way for as long as I can remember, hiding what I'm feeling and torturing myself for my feelings. It started as burning, progressed to cutting, but it has stopped.
At least, the physical punishments have.
I still mentally abuse myself. I have thoughts like, "Why am I like this?" and "Why can't I stop feeling this way?"
I think I need to learn to sit with my emotions and accept who I am.
It's going to take time, but my partner assures me that he's not going anywhere.
And really, even if I want to change for him, it's better for me in the long run to stop acting like an invisible child.