Heartbreak

How does one move on?

created by author using Midjourney

My heart was broken on MLK Day. I didn't see it coming and I wish every day it had never happened.

My partner decided that he needed to focus on his career at the expensive of our relationship.

Obviously I want the best for him, but why does it mean I can't be a part of his life?

One thing I've realized is that we may never get the answer to some of these questions. So today I've decided to write about what I've been feeling since that day in the hopes that maybe it'll help me to recover. Of course, I worry he may read it and judge me for it, but at this point I don't care (and I also doubt he has any interest).

What has it been like?

Well, the first week was miserable. Crying, looking back on memories and trying to figure out what I did wrong, and anger. At that point I thought I was capable of being his friend.

The second week was better because I had school work to attend to. I used that as an excuse to avoid what I was feeling.

Now we're in the third week and I am dreaming about him every night. Every minute I avoid thinking about him is another minute I spend feeling deceived by him in my sleep.

I've had dreams where I've caught him texting other women. I've had dreams he ignored me when I was in a car accident.

All betrayals.

And is that not what he did? Betray me? Break my trust when things got a little difficult? Give up on something I was working so hard to build?

It's been a process for sure. I gave up being his friend last Thursday. I think that's around when the dreams started. It's like I have this huge gaping hole in my brain that lacks any ability to comprehend what's happened. It's over? But how, why?

I may not ever be able to get over this because it came so out of the blue.

Sometimes what hurts the most is that he'd been thinking over it for a week when he promised me he'd tell me right away if things changed. Sometimes what hurts the most is that he always said, "I'm not going anywhere." Sometimes what hurts the most is that he made me drive two hours to see him when he could have saved me four hours of driving and told me the truth. Sometimes what hurts the most is that he chose his career over me, when I would have chosen him over pretty much anything. Sometimes what hurts the most is knowing I'll probably never see him again, especially if I'm not the one to initiate contact. Sometimes what hurts the most is thinking that he just took advantage of me. Sometimes what hurts the most is that all that time, energy, and money I put into that relationship was thrown away like garbage.

I just keep asking myself, am I not worth it? Why not?

I'm doing alright, all things considered.

I was hysterical at first. I cried over everything. I couldn't keep it in, the hurt. But I have my dog and my family and the chance to find someone else.

I just want to share this with anyone who cares, to let them know they're not alone.

We are worth it.