Even though it broke my heart.
I cried a lot yesterday. Firstly because I finished rewatching Violet Evergarden, but secondly because I called it quits with my partner of six months. It was just not healthy for me to continue in that relationship. The first indication was when my new friend (whom I met through Clarisse) asked me if my partner was going to come visit me in Durham. “Definitely not,” I replied, not really understanding why the simple answer was bringing tears to my eyes. “He would never come out here.” “Oh,” she said, “Why?” And why wouldn’t he? I wondered. I constantly went down to see him in Georgia, what could it hurt to have him come see me in North Carolina? He kept promising, someday, but never set a date. That was my first clue. The second one came after I wrote about the abusive relationship I was in. I sent it to my partner, to see if it would help him understand why I felt so insecure around him and why I constantly needed affirmations. His reply? “People suck.” Meanwhile, I shared the story with my new friend, who gushed over how beautifully written it was and how sorry she was I went through that, and my best friend from West Point, who lamented the pain that relationship had caused me. And my partner’s only words? “People suck.” That was when I realized. I’m tired of being the chaser. I’m tired of bending over backwards for men who don’t want me. I kept telling myself that he was being guarded, cautious, wary of being hurt. But…just because that’s how he feels, I shouldn’t have to suffer for it. When I asked for a relationship, he told me to “give it more time.” When I brought up this rejection later, he told me we had a relationship in everything but name. So…why couldn’t we give it a name? I still feel blue thinking about him, though. I miss his adorable smile, his blond hair, his gorgeous, great big blue eyes, the way he told me things were okay after I had a mental health meltdown. However…none of that is enough to cover up the fact that he was picky about when I came to see him, that he never told me his plans or even why I couldn’t come down, and that he’d stay on the phone with me for hours without listening to a word I said. That he pretty much never texted me first. That he never noticed my silence. To name a few of the things he did regularly. All of those actions left me feeling empty. And I’m tired of feeling empty.
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