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Why I'm Proud of Doing the Laundry

It's a lot to do with accomplishing something than not doing anything.

[Trigger Warning: Discussion of suicide and self-harm]

So maybe doing laundry isn't something extraordinary, but it is something. And doing something in a day is a sign to me that I'm doing okay.

Maybe you don't get it, and maybe you should just move on to another story. But for those of you who care and/or understand what it's like to be depressed, keep reading.

Today I did my laundry. A week ago I had to wash and fold about five loads of laundry because for most of November and half of December, I was going through a depressive episode.

Depression for me manifests itself in a lot of ways. I am usually lazy throughout the day, and when night hits, it's beyond scary.

I am basically fighting myself for my life.

I get suicidal, I think about taking all my pills and slitting my wrists. My brain tells me a little cutting wouldn't be so bad.

I lay on my bed, sob, and text my partner that it's happening again.

So when I was able to sweep, put the clothes in the washer, and pick up my dog's toys, I was like, "Hey, I might finally be getting over it again!"

It's not about having the will power to do laundry, or just wanting it enough. It's just that...when I'm depressed, I literally cannot do those things. I want to, I get myself to the laundry basket, sometimes I even move it to the washer and then...that's it.

That's all I can do.

So yeah, washing clothes to me is something to be proud of.

I'm telling you, sometimes I go weeks without showering because the thought itself is heavy..

Writing this down, I feel silly. Doing daily tasks is hard? What about when you went through West Point with undiagnosed bipolar disorder? You managed then, didn't you?

And the answer is yes, I managed, but that girl is all but gone. In her place is someone who respects herself and allows herself to feel what she needs to feel. Who is who she is not because there's no other choice. Who feels powerful when she gets her daily chores done because there is a choice.

And she is proud when she knows she can make it.

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